Ah, fuck it. I'm just gonna start with the story itself, and then as I try to fill in everything that's relevant around it, I hope to transmit to y'all (and to myself) everything that moment was. I'll have to place some blind trust in you, the reader, and for that matter, in myself. The outcome is not assured; but, then again, if I want to believe that I believe that bullshit about "Life's a journey, not a destination", maybe this is just the story I need to be telling; and more to the point, maybe this is just the way I need to be telling it. Maybe?
It starts with some deer.
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I was in the grand city of Hiawatha, Iowa, at a place called Prairiewoods, a spiritual refuge/conservation center set up back in the 1980's by some Franciscan nuns in Wisconsin. The original plan had been to send some nuns down there, but with the steady decline of Catholic women dedicating their entire lives to the service of God, the numbers weren't going to work out. So after some prayerful contemplation and research, the nuns decided to convert the site into a spiritual resource center, where ordinary citizens, Catholic, Protestant, non-Christian or non-believers, might find solace in nature. Stretching to over 70 acres, most of the land has been rededicated to native prairie grasses and oak trees, with the exception of two medium-size buildings: a convention center, where group retreats might be led; and a guest house, where those on retreat might stay.
My first full day at Prairie woods, January 2 of this year, I went out to walk the Labyrinth. The Labyrinth is a small circle, no more than 50 or 60 feet in diameter, that you enter and walk through. It guides you in and out, in and out, until you get into the center; then you walk the same way out. The Labyrinth has been used by various cultures, going back 4 millennia, as a spiritual tool; the most famous still-existing Labyrinth in the Christian tradition was laid down in France in the 1100's.
I had never walked a Labyrinth. I takes a surprising amount of time, depending on how quickly you decide to walk. I simply placed on foot in front of the other, not hurrying, but not crawling, either (as some Labyrinth seekers do). 15 or 20 minutes into my walk, I looked up and saw a small doe. Looking around, I saw another one; and another one; and another one; and another one: five in all. They were standing around, just hanging out, 30 or so feet around from me. I stopped for a moment to savor the sight. I smiled. It was nice. Then I continued walking.
Eventually I made it to the center. The deer had moved away now, and I crouched down and said a prayer. I began following the Labyrinth back out.
After I left the Labyrinth, I turned around to get one last look. It had been a pleasant, quieting experience. I must have really been into my thoughts; I hadn't noticed that the deer had returned. One, in particular, was standing only about 15 feet away from me. Suppressing the urge to walk up to her, I just watched her, and she watched me. Minutes went by. Then, almost awkwardly, she walked forward 3 feet or so. We continued to look at each other. Again, minutes went by, and again, walking as though it hurt, she came closer. Patiently, I waited. Again, she came closer.
We were now separated by a mere five feet. She was utterly without fear, and again I had to suppress the urge to reach out and pet her. It occurred to me that I had kind of a shit-eating grin on my face as the doe watched me, bent down to sniff, watched me again.
We must have stayed in our respective positions ten minutes or so. Then, as slowly as she had come forward, she began to back up. She walked around the Labyrinth to join her friends.
I checked my phone. It was almost sunset and I wanted to be in an advantageous place to watch it. I waved to the deer and I, too, began to back up.
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