Note: This blog is intended as satire. Any reference to any real people is entirely fictional. Seriously. Except the part about Kirk Ferentz wanting bubble gum.
November 27, 2015
BRISTOL, CONN. - For casual football fans, the University of Iowa Hawkeyes' undefeated season has been a nice storyline. And obviously, fans in the Hawkeye state are thrilled. But that same enthusiasm has not affected the "guys who have all the fun",
According to several sources deep in the bowels of ESPN's College Football Division in Bristol, several sources, insisting on anonymity for fear of job repercussions, that "the brass is rattled over Iowa," and "they just don't know what the fuck we're going to do with the Hawkeyes." It seems that ESPN has been willfully ignoring Iowa's surge of victories this fall, dismissing each one as a fluke and quite confident that they would eventually stumble or, perhaps, even better, just cease to exist.
Olivia Bolero was not surprised when she was summoned to her bosses' office at ESPN in late October for what was termed in the email subject line "A chance to get everyone on the same page". She knew her bosses would want to discuss her desire to mention the Iowa Hawkeyes during discussion of possible so-called "play-off spots" that are given to the best four teams in Division 1 FBS college football.
"I'd had Iowa on my radar for a while," she said. "They beat Wisconsin on the road in their Big Ten opener, they were pretty balanced, they hadn't--I believe--given up a rushing touchdown at that point. I mean, I wasn't saying they were gonna win it all or anything. I just thought we should mention them, like 40-some-odd other teams we were mentioning."
Bolero is no homer. Born and raised in Albuquerque, New Mexico, she attended Syracuse University in New York to study Communication and Broadcasting.
"It's one of the best schools in the country for that particular field of study," she said.
Bolero had several job offers upon graduation, but her passion for sports, particularly college football, led her to ESPN, where she toiled for several years before being being promoted to senior Gameday assistant producer.
"It was like a dream," she said. "I'd finally be having some influence on content."
Her superiors seemed to approve as well, she said. She had been mentioned as the next Beth Mowins, known for being the first female play-by-play announcer for college football. But that started changing in October.
"At first it wasn't a big deal," she said. "I mean, yeah, whatever."
After Iowa blew the shit out of Northwestern on the road, Bolero began to put her foot down.
"I said, 'Look, we have an 8-0 team here. We're not doing our jobs if we don't make them part of the conversation.'"
Her superiors didn't agree. She says that she may have let it go had someone given her a straight answer, but all she got were remarks like "Nah, they don't pass the eye test." "What, do you think we're actually in the business of talking about who wins games and doesn't lose them?" "I'm not even sure where Iowa is. They grow potatoes there, right?"
The day of the fateful meeting was the Tuesday after the Northwestern game, when planning began in earnest for that weekend edition's of "College Gameday".
"At first they were all buddy-buddy. You know, "We value your opinion" and "We know you're a team player."
Bolero wasn't asking for much. She wanted to insert a one minute segment on how the Hawkeyes were 8-0, despite a rash of serious injuries, including to Iowa's All Big Ten defensive end Drew Ott. That's when things got terse.
"Olivia, seriously now. Let's be frank. This thing isn't about wins and losses. It's about passion, prestige, teams with maroon [Alabama and Oklahoma, presumably] in their uniforms, head coaches who wear visors."
Bolero again laid out her case: an 8-0 team, a balanced offense, solid defense, convincing victories, "I would have even given on the time. But I really felt like we needed to give our viewers something. They depend on ESPN for the best college football coverage."
Her bosses then presented her with a choice:
"Either you let Iowa go, get on board with our SEC West-Ohio State-Big 12 script, or you're going to find yourself covering curling next week."
Bolero refused, and she was summarily, in her words, "asked to leave, and not to let the door hit her on the ass on the way out."
Reached for comment, Bolero's immediate supervisor, Jeff Long--oops, I mean Dan Stevenson--said, "We all know Olivia is frustrated. But you know, we're trying to build a narrative here, and we need all hands on deck. Besides, we all know that there's only one show in town in Iowa, and it's the Buckeyes."
Further phone calls and emails to ESPN executives were not immediately returned.
"You should see these guys," said a sound man speaking on condition of anonymity. "Olivia hasn't seen anything. They were just shitting their pants when it became apparent that we were going to have to say something about them being 11-0 for the Nebraska game today. Luckily, Nebraska's uniforms are red, which is sort of close to maroon, and they were playing for bowl eligibility. So they jumped on that angle and agreed to show some stock footage of Brad Banks almost winning the Heisman to cover their ass."
Asked how high up the disrespect went, Bolero sighed. "You know, I hate to say this, but I think it goes all the way to the top. Everybody likes Kirk Herbstreit, of course. Helluva nice guy. But he sees (Oklahoma quarterback) Baker Mayfield and his eyes just glaze over. Lee Corso, he's just batshit crazy. They just give him costumes and he fucks around with them and then says some crazy shit. And Rece Davis--well, I guess I can say it now that I don't work there--Rece is just a fuck. A complete fuck."
But Bolero, who accepted a position at the FOX affiliate in her hometown of Albuquerque, suspects an even deeper ignorance.
"I wouldn't be surprised if the CFPC (College Football Playoff Committee is in on it," she speculated. "I mean, think about it. These people meet in the bowels of Texas and take two days to rate teams. Two days? Texas? There's no way that's all about football. Keep in mind, it is legal to drive with an open container and loaded firearm in Texas."
Jeff Long, president of the CFPC, categorically denied that charge, but then seemed to go off on a tangent.
"Absolutely not. Our time is spent relentlessly discussing which teams have the best body of work at this point in the season. When considering bodies of work, of course we consider wins and losses....but you know, we do like maroon. That Bob Stoops, he has one hell of a visor. Really projects confidence. I think you take an average team, dress them up in maroon, they immediately get better. Oh, and a maroon team in the SEC--don't get me started..."
When reminded that the original question had concerned Iowa, Long seemed to be dazed. "Oh yeah. Well yeah, You say they haven't lost? Well, I guess that has to be a factor. Any way they can wear maroon their next game? Potatoes, right?"
When asked for comment, Iowa coach Kirk Ferentz initially declined to comment. However, when offered a package of Hubba-Bubba, he immediately agreed to be interviewed.
"I don't know how good we are, but we play hard. No question. Damn, this bubble gum's good. Can you get me a case?"
When pressed on the issue, he relented just a bit.
"Well, certainly we'd like to recognized. But I always tell the guys, we just have to take care of what's in front of us. If we do that, the details will take care of themselves. Except for Corso. That dude was batshit crazy back in the 80's when he coached Indiana and we played against them with Hayden (Fry). God, we loved playing them. Got any more of that gum?"
Now that the Hawkeyes have beat Nebraska--thus crumpling another ESPN narrative--Bristol is on red alert.
"They're looking for something, anything," said the sound man. "I've been in this business a long time, and I've never seen anything like it. I've seen mysterious briefcases, hard drives being handcuffed to people's wrists, the gamut. My guess? I wouldn't be surprised if the dome at Lucas Oil Stadium suffered 'a mysterious incident' and they couldn't play the Big Ten Championship Game. Then they'd invent some bullshit excuse like 'the conference didn't have a clear winner' and find some other maroon teams to go in there."
Bolero agrees.
"I'm not saying they're going to win in Indy. That's a tough game, whoever they end up playing. But let's say they win. The absolute last thing they're going to do is say, 'Wow, Iowa has won all their games, lost none, won their conference, and deserve to play for a championship.' It wouldn't be that tough to do it. You know, 'We take our hats off to them' and all that jazz. But I'm not terribly optimistic. Some of the greatest minds in sports work at ESPN. They'll figure some way to delegitimize a 13-0 Iowa team."
For his part, Long equivocated.
"Well, I'm not saying we wouldn't take an undefeated Iowa team. I'm not saying that at all. But I do have problems comparing them to, say, an 11-2 Alabama team, or a 11-1 Oklahoma team. I mean, Bob Stoops, Nick Saban--they're just complete assholes. The committee respects that."
Meanwhile, its seems to be All Systems Go at ESPN. The latest inquiry, via email, received an automatic "out of office" reply:
"Your questions are important to us and we will get back to you as soon as possible. And don't accuse us of being anti-Iowa. We're eating potatoes with every goddamn meal."
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