The alarm sounds
at 4:30 A.M. and my mind is slow to react. The Z-Quil I swallowed more than ten
hours ago continues to slow down the synapses in my mind, rendering them
ineffectual and unsteady, and it is only with the passage of minutes that
recall that I am on the couch, and that I realize that Sonia, at some point in
the night, turned on the fan and put my phone close to me, and now it is time
to wake up.
Except I don’t
want to wake up. My synapses are a metaphor for the rest of my body: sluggish,
heavy. Ineffectual. I hit snooze and immediately I am dreaming again. I am
moving into an apartment on Burlington Street. Or am I being evicted? Everything
is musty and ridiculously filthy. Alarm. Snooze. I am at my aunt’s house, and
her dog won’t shut up. The dog bites and my aunt can’t—or won’t—control it. Its
teeth are around my ankle and I have to grab it and throw it, and my aunt gets
mad at me. Alarm, snooze. I'm in the kitchen and there are pills everywhere. I’m
swearing and Sonia says not to worry, not to worry. Go lay down on the couch
and I will turn on the fan and we’ll clean it up tomorrow.
Alarm. There’s
coffee next to me (Sonia, of course). I hit snooze but struggle into a
semi-upright position. Maybe the coffee can counteract the Z-Quil. I swallow a
sip. FUCK, it is good. The Z-Quil is winning, though. Without realizing it, I
am sliding back down. Why fight the Z-Quil? Just sleep until whenever, I can
have sub plans done in a snap. NO. It’s finals and I have to grade. If I sleep
I won’t grade. I have to finish grading. Papers fly in front of my eyes. I’m in
a machine shed, one of those big ones. I’m helping to make repairs.
Alarm. Finals.
Grading. I’m too out of it to even sigh but if I could I would. Heavy,
everything’s heavy. I pull myself up and then I pull on the coffee. The world
awaits. Right now I wish it didn’t.
*****
An hour later we’re
backing out of the driveway. The tiny, tiny snow that started yesterday
continues to fall and though there isn’t much accumulation, it’s enough to
command my attention. I won’t be—can’t be—zoning out on the drive today.
I put on my
morning playlist. Even though it’s hand-selected, it’s merely background noise.
The adrenaline of the drive pushes the Z-Quil back but it still lingers.
We move a good deal
slower than usual. About three miles outside of town, an SUV is in the ditch.
It looks like they’re going to try to drive up and out, but I can’t pay much
attention. We’re past them and a new batch of cars is in the oncoming lane.
We clear them and
I take a moment to look around. The farmers have finished their harvest and the
snow is trying to lay down a pretty white carpet, but I don’t think there’s
going to be enough. The sun is not above the horizon yet and we, the commuters,
exist in a sort of gray-brown-white zone, wind blowing lightly, headlights
bouncing off the small snowflakes. Despite Z-Quil and snow, we must all reach
our destinations.
*****
I sit at my desk.
The only light is my fake sun lamp that I use in the winters. I drink coffee and
eat a couple very old Hostess donettes. I run through the early morning procedure.
I check my email.
Grading.
So much to grade. I pull up a document, ready to get started. The Z-Quil
clamors for my attention, but I push it back with a sip of coffee and they, the
coffee and the Z-Quil, continue their see-saw battle.
Before
I get started grading, an image pops up into my head. That SUV, trying to drive
back up out of the ditch. I wonder it they made it? Right now I feel like that
SUV, an arresting case of anthropomorphism. The ditch isn’t all that steep and
the road is beckoning. Maybe, if I apply just the right amount of gas at just
the right time, and turn the steering wheel just so, and I await the right
moment when no other vehicles are on the road, I can maneuver my way back onto
the highway.
On
the other hand, glancing out the window, I see that the snow has intensified
and that the sun, although it has risen, is having great difficulty penetrating
the snowy sky. Might have to call a tow truck today. Ain’t nothing wrong with
calling a tow truck when you need one.
